True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
