Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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