I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
