I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
