He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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