I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
3 2 1 whiskey
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
