So drunk its hurt
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just google imaged poop.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
