Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
