why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Alive.
So much puke
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
