I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
