what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
