so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
