I will die if light touches me.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
