There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
