he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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