as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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