Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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