Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
