a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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