tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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