So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
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I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
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I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm both gender and math confused
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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