I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
How's work?
Spinning.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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