Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
