you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
