I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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