the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
