i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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