Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
