2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
