dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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