I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
