How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
