I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
