haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
