Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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