Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
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So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
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IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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