Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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