Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Fuck appropriateness.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
