1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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