masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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