he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
