true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
