If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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