Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
