Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
