we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
how drunk are you?
Several
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
