A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
