just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
