If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
