I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
