I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
