The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
