Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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