what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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