Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
