the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
