Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
