My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
