I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
