I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
