I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
