There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
