I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
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I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
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Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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